Perfect
by Pardon the Insanity
Summary: One perfect flower can be better than a thousand that are simply striking, that are desired merely because they are there. One flower can be enough, if it is the right one. But the question Sesshoumaru couldn't answer was if it should be allowed to be so.
1. The Diamond in the Rough

Well, I feel special for getting this up on the year mark of having this account. It should count for something, I would think. Anyway, I really don't have much to say except that I hope everybody enjoys. I'm sorry if this chapter is slow -- sort of a necessary evil of setting up the plot and everything. The rest will have a different feel, I promise!

* * *

The sun was nesting in the branches of the trees, hovering for a moment before it would slip below the horizon. For the time being, the small clearing was blessedly quiet, filled only with the soft brush of dry leaves.

Sesshoumaru had taken the opportunity to clear the area of any threat that might present itself that night, figuring that it would be easier to deal with such petty annoyances while his mismatched group of followers was away at the village. The task would have to be done some time, and might as well be finished without the hassle of Jaken's over-exuberance.

He had only been finished for ten minutes, sitting at the foot of a tree, when he caught the first faint sounds of the group's return. They fairly shattered the silence – Jaken's squawking drowning out whatever exclamations Rin was making while Kohaku quietly attempted to placate the both of them. The sounds had become so familiar that Sesshoumaru was almost able to completely ignore them – almost.

When the group finally appeared, Ah Un landing in the clearing and allowing them all to dismount, it seemed that Jaken had successfully worked himself into quite the tirade over something that Rin had said. Kohaku had a look of mild exasperation as he removed the packages that had been picked up in the village from Ah Un's back. He moved to place these with the rest of their meager supplies before sitting a few feet from Sesshoumaru and turning to focus on the unfolding argument.

Sesshoumaru's attention had only strayed from them for a moment while he took stock of what had been brought back from the village. With the knowledge that all necessities had been purchased, he focused back on the shorter members of the group. While they were silent for the time being, Rin looked like she was choking back a flood of words, her brows knitted together in either anger or sadness; her scent was too confused at the moment for Sesshoumaru to decipher which it was. In any case, he had to wonder if he needed to throw a stone at the imp, since Jaken had been ordered long ago not to do anything to upset Rin.

The momentary stalemate came to a sudden end as Rin spoke again, although there was no hint of argumentativeness to her voice. Now there was only sadness. "It was just a question…"

"A stupid question!"

Rin's eyes flashed indignantly. "I've had nobody explain it to me! How can you expect me to understand?"

Jaken shook his staff as though momentarily at a loss for the words he wanted to say. "Hmph. Perhaps humans are just so dim that they don't innately understand such matters."

Rin's chin jutted out for a moment, the look on her face seeming to hint at further debate. But then she seemed to crumble, and without another word she turned on her heel and stomped into the forest.

Jaken stared at her before lifting his head, smug at his apparent victory. Of course, his face dropped abruptly when he met Sesshoumaru's eyes and the glare that had worked its way into his expression. Jaken fell on the ground, instantly spewing out a string of excuses and apologies as he bowed repeatedly.

"Kohaku."

The boy turned to Sesshoumaru. "Would you like me to go after her, my lord?"

"No." Ignoring the continued babbling from Jaken, Sesshoumaru slowly rose, feeling the pull of obligations he could never remember accepting. "What is this about?"

"The argument only happened once we were returning, but I think it was because we saw part of a funeral procession in the village. Rin asked me what happens to demons when they die, if it was similar to our fate. Jaken interrupted before I was able to reply."

Without any further response, Sesshoumaru turned to the forest and followed Rin's scent, a faint sourness to it hinting that there may be tears. Unconsciously, his expression darkened; if Rin was crying, Jaken would regret it.

He finally found her curled among the knobby roots of a tree growing next to a stream. The fists pressed against her eyes were resting on her knees, her body so motionless and silent that it seemed that she trying not to breathe. When she finally exhaled, her breath wavering in tight self-control, it was clear that she was doing everything she could to maintain her composure.

Sesshoumaru watched her for a moment longer, silently debating the wisdom of speaking to her about this matter. It was just so rare for her to be bothered by something Jaken said. In the time she had followed him, Sesshoumaru could only think of one other instance when she had left camp. At that time, his attachment to the girl had not been so strong, and he had believed that the best thing was to allow her privacy; such was what he would have wanted. He was not sure how he had come to realize that if Rin went to be alone that usually she would rather have company.

Comfort was not something that came to him easily. Sesshoumaru knew that even now, while some strange part of his heart that he still could not understand wished to return her to her usual smiles, how to accomplish such a task was beyond his knowledge. But there was nobody around, and there was no reason to leave her so miserable. So often just his acknowledgement could brighten her mood, little as he understood such a reaction. Perhaps simply being there was enough.

Sesshoumaru came to sit on one of the roots, waiting until Rin calmed enough to notice that he was there. As he watched the purple light of the dusk sky reflect on the stream, he wondered how he had such patience with such a ridiculous creature – she was the one person he would wait for.

Finally she stiffened, and it was the stillness of awareness, of recognizing another presence. Slowly she lifted her head, eyes watery but cheeks dry; her efforts at control had apparently worked in part. A small hand instantly went to her face all the same, dull relief passing through her eyes when her fingers did not meet any tears.

"I'm sorry, Lord Sesshoumaru. You didn't need to come yourself if you wanted me to return to camp…" she said quietly, rubbing at her eyes as though it would push the tears back from where they came.

"I did not come to bring you back."

Her head turned slightly to the side as her hands slowly slid back to her lap, hair slanting across her face and falling over her shoulder. While she would not question him about his motives, her eyes were full of things she wished to ask.

Turning his attention back to the stream, now a dark ribbon of obsidian as the last light dissolved from the sky, Sesshoumaru pieced together the way to approach what seemed to be the necessary topic. "Jaken was teasing you."

Although she didn't reply, she nodded, a small movement that he nonetheless noticed.

"This is not uncommon. What was different today?"

Rin shuffled her feet as she wrapped her arms around her legs, pressing out wrinkles and flicking off pieces of grass absentmindedly. "What he said made me finally realize something," she whispered into the night, voice almost drowned in the fabric of her clothes.

Sesshoumaru looked at her, silently pushing for further explanation.

"There is so little I understand about anything," she started slowly. "After my parents died, there was nobody to teach me about my own people. And now the only world I know is that of the demons, and even that I know so little about. I don't think I can fit properly anywhere now…"

He turned her words over for a moment, sensing the truth of her logic although it seemed too heavy a subject for one so small. "Would you have rather that I left you with a human family?"

"Oh no!" Her head snapped up instantly, eyes bright in the darkness. "Never! I have been so thankful and happy following you, my lord."

Although he had anticipated that this would be her answer, it was nonetheless somewhat calming to hear it. "Then what is the problem?"

Rin considered this, apparently trying to put words to the indistinct thoughts in her head. "I just wish I was not so ignorant, I suppose. There seem to be things I should know, but I do not, and the feeling that everybody else is aware is embarrassing. I should understand more about the demon world for being so connected to it. It doesn't seem right that somebody who is so ignorant can follow you…"

"I have never demanded such knowledge of you."

"I know," she sighed. "But even if you don't mind, _I_ do. I don't know anything, I cannot aid you… I do not feel worth everything you have done and given me."

Sesshoumaru could find no response and let the silence spread between them, thick and heavy as the night. Logically, her feelings were true; she was not worth the trouble. But it had been so long since he had listened to logic when it concerned Rin. He found that his only focus now was her exasperation with her situation.

There was nothing to be done with it at the moment, though. He rose and waited as she disentangled herself from the tree and fell into step behind him as he returned to their camp.

----

That night, Sesshoumaru had much to think about. Through the flickering light of the dying fire, he watched Rin shift in her sleep, curling closer to Ah Un. Not for the first time, he wondered how many human girls would be so utterly unfazed by a dragon.

That observation was, however, part of the problem he now considered. Rin's path had been split from the rest of her kindred long ago, even before she had met him. While he had always known this in some measure – most humans had the sense to avoid demons in general, and wounded or angry ones especially, yet Rin had seemingly never been taught this vital lesson – the implications were only now settling in his mind. She simply did not fit within the world she had been born into.

While she was only eleven now, she had mentioned that soon – the month after the cherry trees bloomed – she would turn twelve. And then he would have to do nothing more difficult than blink and she would be thirteen, and then fourteen, and then fifteen, passing what was left of her childhood in a space of time that he would have previously thought insignificant.

And then she would become an adult, and the thought made a knot of Sesshoumaru's considerations. While he would have liked to dismiss these thoughts, save them for some future evening, some time when perhaps it was more pressing, he knew he could not. Allowing one season to pass would free the others to slip by until it was too late. Now that it had been brought to mind, he needed to think.

She wished to understand his world and, more importantly, play some role within it. She was realizing everything that was done for her and had grown enough to see a tipping in the scales. It was becoming clear that perhaps even more than her fear of ignorance she feared being a burden.

It was at this point that Sesshoumaru found himself having trouble. There were simply not that many options open. Allowing Rin to learn to fight was completely out of the question; he would not permit her to ease her conscience concerning her imagined debt by aiding in battle. He wanted her to remain safe, above all else.

There was, unfortunately, only one way he could see her being both safe and able to learn the things she desired. Part of him found the possibility absurd when she was still so small. And perhaps it would have remained absurd, if Rin were no more than a common peasant girl. But now she was his ward, and she had become bound to his world. Her life would have to follow the structures that his did, both those of the demons and the nobility.

As much as Sesshoumaru despised the thought – a fact that he found mildly bothersome – it was at this age that the girls of the demon nobility began to learn the skills that would hopefully attract a marriage proposal when they were finally presented in court. If he wanted any flickering chance that Rin would receive such a proposal, and one that he would approve of, then she would have to start preparing soon.

But it was an opportunity for her to become aware of the things she did not know. At the same time, it would be a preparation that should allow her to no longer worry about being an inconvenience. He had no doubt that she would apply herself to such studies if given the chance. And she would have to work hard if she hoped to outshine the many other girls who would be presented at the same time as her. As far as Sesshoumaru was aware, there had never been a human raised within the inu-youkai palace.

He almost smiled grimly to himself at the thought of being the one to break that precedent. What a dubious honor.

----

It only took a week to reach the palace.

As Sesshoumaru had suspected, Rin had been excited at the chance to learn as well as the opportunity to _do_ something. For his part, he had allowed her whatever motivation she required; the more he had considered the idea, the more perfect it seemed to become. It had reached the point where he would leave her at the palace if she wanted to be there or not. If she was happy, so much the better.

Of course, he had not yet told her that he would leave again to pursue Naraku, but that could come later.

She was all chatters and excitement as they got close, cheerfully telling Kohaku of the other occasion when Sesshoumaru had brought her there, to get her new yukata after he had returned her to life. It had almost been three years since then, and she was glad to return. Apparently the palace was beautiful to her.

If those at the palace were surprised to see that Sesshoumaru had another follower, they did not say anything. Then again, they had been wise enough not to comment when he had first brought Rin. Rooms were simply prepared for the new arrivals and servants delegated to assist whenever necessary.

This time, Rin's rooms were somewhat separated from the rest. While the hall was only a two minute walk away, merely the distance of a short wooded slope, it would allow her to be closer to the quarters of the women who would be directing her studies and preparation over the next seven or so years.

It had taken a few days after their arrival, but he was able to find three women who were willing to oversee Rin's education. While there was a measure of reluctance, likely over the fact that they would be serving a human, it seemed that the chance of honor for being the ones to prepare the Lord's ward outweighed such a drawback.

Sesshoumaru finally brought Rin to meet the women, and was secretly proud to see that regardless of the leaves sticking out of the black hair and the dirty knees peaking beneath her yukata from playing in the woods all morning, she understood when to be silent and when to speak. She stood patiently as the women circled around her, tutting a bit at the lack of refinement, although he could sense a general air of approval; it would be possible to turn Rin into an acceptable lady.

Everything was accomplished within the course of five days. Like every other situation she had been subjected to, Rin took to her new living conditions easily. Of course, not much had yet changed; she was left to act as she always had, venturing into the gardens to see what things were beginning to bloom in the early spring. It would not be until he left that her lessons would start.

Now that everything was arranged, there was no reason to stay. There were things Sesshoumaru needed to do, and remaining in the palace was making him increasingly restless. Yet for all the reasons he needed to leave, doing so felt much more difficult than he would have liked. And while he hated to admit it, he knew the reason was that Rin would no longer be with him.

Once he convinced himself that it was even for her benefit that he leave as soon as possible – every day they remained was another day that drew all things with evil intents to Kohaku's shard– it felt somewhat simpler. In the afternoon of their sixth day, he told Jaken and Kohaku to be ready to leave in the evening.

Slowly, Sesshoumaru walked through the woods to the rooms that had been given to Rin, catching the murmurs of the women as they debated together. As the trees thinned, he could see into the hall; the screens were opened, allowing the sunlight to warm the rooms that had been closed up since the fall.

Various rolls of silk lay in one corner of the room while others rested in the hands of the women. Rin stood in the middle of the group, looking mildly bored as they compared fabrics and held them up to her cheek, debating which colors best complimented her skin.

The moment she noticed him, however, all boredom seemed to disappear from her eyes, smile instantly flashing across her face. With a halfhearted bow, she jumped out of the group of women and ran across the lawn to him.

While the women started to call her back, expressions ranging from annoyance to surprise, they fell silent when they realized the reason she had bolted. They bowed automatically before grudgingly returning to their debate.

Sesshoumaru now looked at Rin, who was still grinning happily. He wondered how long that grin would remain once he told her that he would leave that night, and tried to ignore the dull ache this caused in his chest.

Rin followed him wordlessly when he turned to the path that led to the gardens near her rooms, apparently content to hum the little songs she created during their travels. Occasionally he heard the faint snap of plant stems; she must have been creating a bouquet of the young blossoms.

He finally stopped, waiting for her to catch up from whatever plant had held her interest. He watched her skip through the grass, hands full of flowers that she promptly held up to him when she got close enough. "For you!" she chirped happily, brilliant smile once again crossing her face.

On any other day Sesshoumaru would have ignored the gift, knowing that his refusal would not hurt her feelings; on the occasions when she picked flowers during their journeys, she had come to understand that such were not things he could carry into battle. But today, within his lands during the last few hours he would spend with her until some time in a clouded future, he slowly lifted his hand and held it out, waiting for her to slip the flowers into his grasp.

There was a momentary pause, and then instead of the cool stems he felt her small, warm hand.

She met his eyes, her gaze a silent plea, and he knew that for the time he would allow it, unable to deny her this one thing. Turning back to the path, he carefully closed his fingers around her hand, mindful of her fragile skin so close to his claws. He did not need to look at her to know her reaction; she practically glowed.

For a while Sesshoumaru allowed the silence to continue, strangely content in her quiet company. But as the sun slipped closer to the horizon, he knew that it was time to tell her that he would be departing.

Without stopping or turning to look at her, he spoke. "At dusk, I will leave."

If it wasn't for the abrupt change in her scent, dropping into a mix of surprise and panic, he would have thought she hadn't heard him. "How long will you be gone?" she asked, voice far more composed than he would have expected.

"As long as is necessary," Sesshoumaru replied; there was no reason to give her false assurances.

"Will you visit me?"

"It may not be possible."

"But if you can…?"

Somehow he was able to overlook Rin's forwardness, the direct questioning he would not have accepted from anybody else. "Yes."

This calmed her somewhat, and there were no tears when he returned her to her rooms. Carefully, he helped her up onto the walkway before releasing her hand. She now held the bouquet in front of her, picking at the petals for a moment. "I will miss you. Very much," she finally said, head still bent.

For a moment Sesshoumaru wondered if he would reply in kind, but was stopped, unable to say something that felt so strange, even if it would be true. "I will return when I can."

Rin nodded. "I will work hard while you're away. When you return, it will be like I'm a new person!" she said, trying to force as much happiness into her voice as she could.

While the comment was cheerful enough, Sesshoumaru could not help but feel his heart twist at the thought; would Rin still be there when he returned, or would he find a stranger?

But nothing of this internal worry surfaced to his expression. He merely nodded slightly before turning around, leaving without another word.


	2. Growth

Well, I'm super glad I started posting this when I did, considering the latest chapter of the manga... some of that stuff could really mess up with huge plot elements of my fic! Oh well... I guess the beauty of fanfics often is the fact that you can break with the canon. Although I prefer to not blatantly do that... le sigh

Anyway, three quick things: 1) Thank you to those who have reviewed -- I greatly appreciate hearing from you! 2) I know this chapter is a bit short, so I'll try to get up the next one within a few days. 3) HUGE thank you to my beta, Ashley, for pointing out my mistakes and cleaning up the little messes I made in my writing haste.

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Rin blew the bangs from her face, frowning slightly at the women babbling in front of her. For the hundredth time that day, or so it felt, they were debating which kimono she should wear next week for her presentation. While it had been a topic that almost interested her when it had been first brought up, she could not find the energy to become excited about it now.

Some were for the deep blue, others for the peach, a few for the plum. Her guardians and tutors were all trying to make the decision together, just as they had the month before when they had been unable to decide on one fabric and so had ordered kimonos of all three. Rin thought that everything was a bit out of hand now – after all, how much had those kimonos cost? – but the women seemed to fly with the waiver that money was not an issue. While she could appreciate that appearance was the most important part of the evening, the first impression as it were, the fact that it required so much attention was just irritating.

Still, Rin held her tongue from saying anything along those lines. This was the culmination of nearly seven years of work, and she did want it to be as perfect as possible. She knew the other girls who would be presented, having taken various lessons with them over the years, and she knew that it would take every fiber of her attention and dedication to shine among them.

When she was honest with herself, Rin couldn't see how she could even think to compete with them; they all had the otherworldly beauty and grace of their people, while she had spent what felt like ages trying to groom herself into something mildly presentable that wouldn't trip over the trailing hem of her kimono. While her guardians had assured her that she would do fine, seeming much too complacent, Rin was sure that the person she was and the one they saw could not be the same.

Regardless, there really wasn't much else she could do but her best. In any case, she could hope to make at least a satisfactory appearance, one that would alleviate some of the cynicism with which her presence in the palace was viewed. She could not hope to pull in any offers of marriage, not among such a noble people.

Of course, that was not really a problem, because Rin had realized some years ago that she had no desire to be married. For a moment, she felt her lips pull into a grim smile; she had to amend herself. There was one person she would not mind marrying, but that was not even possible in her most outrageous of dreams.

It would have been so much easier if she could just love one of the servants or lesser nobility. Over the years, there had been some mild interest in her, although she generally chalked it up to what must be curiosity. It had not mattered, though, as she never returned their interest. There had only been room for one person in her heart, ever since the day it had begun to beat again.

The feelings from that time had naturally changed as Rin aged, but their strength had never wavered. Although she rarely saw her lord, he would come to the palace a few times a year, sometimes more frequently than others. She usually did not get to speak to him – his visits were short and with focused objectives, and her schedule was so full of lessons that she could not sneak away to see him. Still, she often saw him on these occasions, enough time to smile at him, a sort of sign that she was well. She had learned to read the minute flickerings in his eyes, the only indication she could see of his thoughts and emotions.

And although it was brief, those occasions only strengthened what she felt. It was like a taste of water after a long thirst, yet never enough to quench. She would feel her emotions once again stir and then slowly calm, each time the pattern of her simple love becoming deeper and more complex.

But the richness of this new feeling came with a price – the heavy weight of knowing it could not be returned. It would have been easier if she could have deluded herself into the thought that the childish adoration had simply matured but not really changed. She had heard the gossip of the other girls, though, and while their whispers about summer dalliances and secret loves seemed frivolous and superficial to the fullness of her heart, it was now impossible to overlook what her feelings for Lord Sesshoumaru really were.

So, in a way, Rin almost felt relieved that he was around so little, for while the separation had filled a part of her with quiet sorrow, the embarrassment of him knowing what she felt was terrifying. Many believed that the lord was unlikely to marry anytime soon, still too driven by his own personal goals to care for someone. Another group thought it unlikely that he would marry at all, regardless of the expectation that he continue his family's bloodline. In any case, with the generally accepted belief pointing away from him settling in the near future, the majority of the women in the complex had the sense not to pursue him. And if that was enough to put them off, how could she, a _human_, ever hope for such a thing?

"Rin!"

Her head snapped up and found that the group of women had fallen silent, each with their attention pinned on her. The one who had spoken her name, her shamisen instructor, looked exasperated; perhaps it had taken a moment to get her attention. The lessons she had learned over the years flooded back, and she bowed her head. "Please forgive me," she murmured.

Another one of the mentors, an older youkai whom Rin had always liked – she seemed indifferent to the fact that Rin was a human – broke the silence that followed. "The girl is likely tired from all the practice we have put her through these last few weeks, and no doubt she is under a great deal of stress with the presentation coming in a week. She is still young, you must remember."

Gradually, her shamisen instructor's forehead smoothed. "Very well. Just make sure to acknowledge your name quicker."

Rin nodded. "Is there something you require of me?"

While her instructor had opened her mouth to speak again, she promptly closed it. Everybody had become completely still, listening to some sound beyond Rin's hearing. Although she could not hear, she could still sense another presence, like a change in the air before a storm.

Suddenly, they all rose, and the excitement was palpable. Rin merely followed them as they hurried from the room, whispering together in hushed tones that she could not quite understand. She would have become irritated at this – the women of the court often spoke quietly with each other, but in voices only other demons could hear – but before she was able to let even a flicker of the emotion cross her features, they reached one of the courtyards and were pulled into the rest of the crowd that had gathered.

They all seemed to be standing around somebody, but Rin could not tell; while she had of course grown, it had not made her very tall, or at least not nearly as tall as those in the palace. Now she found herself wishing that everybody present would return to using voices as soft as the women. It was clear that somebody was speaking, but the chattering drowned it out.

All the same, it was only a moment before the conversations going on around her told her everything she needed to know. Yet even with the same words repeating around her, it was hard to accept it as truth. Naraku had been defeated. Lord Sesshoumaru would be returning.

Rin pushed her way out through the crowd, heading slowly back to her rooms while the words continued to pass through her thoughts. It hardly seemed, standing in the deep shadows of evening, that it could be true, anything more than a dream. She had been waiting so many years that it almost seemed that this way of life would be the only one she would ever know. While she had wished that one day it would be over, that Lord Sesshoumaru would be able to return for longer than an evening, she had stopped hoping years ago.

And now it had finally come true. He would return. Perhaps she would finally be able to hold more than a moment's conversation with him, perhaps he would come with her to the gardens so she could show him the flowers she had planted and tended over the years.

The smile that had worked its way onto her face as she returned to her rooms continued to grow as her imagination became bolder. She cleared her room in a kind of haze, putting away the things the women had gotten out while completely immersed in her thoughts.

It wasn't until she replaced the mirror that she felt her ideas shatter. As she knelt on the floor, she looked at her face, for the first time shocked with what she saw. While she had seen her reflection on numerous occasions, for some reason it looked different tonight. Instead of a slow accumulation of changes, she thought of it in the spurts of time between the occasions she saw Lord Sesshoumaru. It had seemed exciting as she aged and she realized that she was looking less like a child and more like a woman, that she was finally growing into the role that she was learning. But now, thinking about what Lord Sesshoumaru had thought as he met her those few times, she felt a trickle of worry.

She knew he cared about the girl; he had risked his own life for her sake more than once. But years had passed since then, and if she had changed so much, what about his feelings? The strings tying them together had grown very loose, a connection that had had years to fray. While the separation had only made her feelings stronger, how could it have done anything but allow Lord Sesshoumaru to finally distance himself from her, the one thing that she knew had been his weakness?

Slowly, Rin placed the mirror back on the table, setting the reflective face down. She would not think about such things, she assured herself as she stood and tried to calm the fretful beating of her heart. There were more pressing issues at the moment than what Lord Sesshoumaru now thought of her. She was to be presented to the court in only a week, and there was still much she had to prepare and review.

So while studiously trying to ignore the sounds of the palace's inhabitants as they talked about the recent news, Rin picked up her shamisen and practiced the song she would play regardless of the innumerable times she had already done so.

----

Even though her fingers still felt as cold as they had when she woke up, Rin felt something within her relax as she came to the middle of the song. Her presentation was almost over, and she had not done anything clumsy or spoken any word that had not been well received. Her mentors, seated in the shadows of the hall, were exchanging looks, their lips curving minutely. Rin did the same internally; she knew she had done very well and made them proud.

The song came naturally to her now; she had been practicing for so long that it offered no distraction to her thoughts. She went over the night again in her head, trying to find anything that might have gone better, that could have been different, yet there was nothing forthcoming. Everything that had been within her power had gone by as perfectly as she could have asked.

Of course, there was one little thing that kept presenting itself in the back of her mind, no matter how she tried to eliminate it: Lord Sesshoumaru had not yet returned. There had been no further messages since the one that had been received a week ago. While messages had never guaranteed a time frame for his return before, on this occasion Rin had hoped that he would be back to see her presentation. While the feeling had not been so strong earlier, before she knew how the event would actually go, now that she knew she wished he could have seen, that perhaps then he would be proud of her too.

So once again she tried to push the thought away, focus on her playing. She was nearly done now, the moment when she could finally exhale coming closer. When the last note hung in the air before dissolving into the silence, Rin could have smiled; it was over, her part completed. She rose gracefully before bowing, allowing the flicker of a smile to flash across her face while her head was lowered.

Then she straightened, and felt her thoughts of happiness and approval scatter like leaves in the breeze, gone beyond recollection; standing at the entrance of the hall was Lord Sesshoumaru.


	3. Facades

Well, I didn't post this quite as quickly as I would have liked, but getting it up by the week mark was my main concern, and I did manage that. Again, thank you to those who have reviewed -- I truly appreciate them veeery much. On another note, this chapter is longer than the last, and is the first chapter I really like, so I hope you like it as well!

* * *

When they had arrived at the complex, Sesshoumaru was aware of what day it was. If the fact that none but the lights to the pavilion were lit was not enough, he knew the date. The summer equinox; the night when the young women were presented to the court. When Rin would finally make her formal appearance.

He had made sure to return by then. While he could not know when she would finally make her appearance that evening, he had done everything he could to get there early, so that he could see her. There was simply such chaos in the lands as demons tried to change their status now that Naraku was gone, all the lines shifting and altering continuously. It was just starting to calm somewhat, so that he had been able to travel a good distance with Jaken and Kohaku that day. Still, it was late evening by the time they were finally there, and he could not help but wonder if they were too late.

Jaken had been sent to care for Ah-Un, a chore he openly accepted and clearly inwardly loathed. Of course, Sesshoumaru had not been terribly concerned with the imp's inclinations towards the commands he was given, and today what little attention he might have paid was diverted elsewhere.

Sesshoumaru quickly made his way through the silent complex, Kohaku following him like a shadow. For the last week, the boy had been quiet even for him. Sesshoumaru had not been able to find a reason for this; against all predictions, Kohaku had lived even after the shard had been removed. As such, it seemed that the weight of the worry that had followed him for years should have been removed. Yet while he was not as grim as before, he was just as quiet.

Of course, Sesshoumaru would not complain about this. It had been one of the traits that made him bearable. Time had helped as well; as Kohaku had aged, he had grown into the skills he had learned in his youth, becoming efficient enough that Sesshoumaru no longer had to check his position in battle. With his unobtrusive disposition, Sesshoumaru found that they were able to coexist in relative peace.

When they finally reached the grand pavilion, in which a great number of the nobility were present, he dismissed the guards, preventing them from announcing his arrival. He did not want a stir, to have the amount of attention that would be crammed in that hall suddenly bent on him. Carefully, he slid the screen open, a quick glance to the few who turned to look instantly silencing them.

As soon as this was finished, he faced the front of the hall, toward the sound of the shamisen. It was instantly clear who was playing; there were only two people within the complex with black hair, and one of them stood next to him.

Yet, even though Sesshoumaru was perfectly well aware of who it was, at some level he could not accept it. The scent was right, and the faint sparkle of her eyes through her bangs was recognizable. She even looked as she did five months ago, when he had passed her in the hall between their rooms. At the same time, however, something was very different.

Her bangs had finally been cut in keeping with the common fashion, her hair swept back from her face and held with combs. Even in the faint light, he could see the line of color above her lashes, a deep purple that echoed the color of her kimono. As she played, he realized how slender her hands had become; the last time he could remember noticing her hands was when she had been small.

As she stood and bowed, the movement too fluid for his memory, Sesshoumaru tried to understand why he felt so strange watching her. The air in the hall was pleased and impressed, things that should have been satisfactory, but he merely felt on edge, thrown off some path he had not been aware of following until it had been lost. While he would have liked to think that it had something to do with the fact that he had missed the majority of her presentation, he was well aware that such was not the case.

It wasn't until she finally raised her head, and her large brown eyes met his, that he realized what he had finally noticed, although it had been coming for years now; Rin was a woman.

Distantly, Sesshoumaru wondered if his shock had leaked onto his face; it felt so strong that it seemed almost impossible that he could contain it. He knew that after centuries of control, however, that there was no way that any emotion he did not wish to reveal would be visible.

It was so odd, to look back and know that this had always been coming, undoubtedly been present even in the last few visits he had made to the palace. He had known that she would grow up; after all, that had been part of the reason to bring her to the palace in the first place, so that she would be able to be comfortable when this happened. Yet, now looking at her and finally seeing how the features of her face had lost the roundness of childhood, how even covered by the layers of her clothes he could tell that her shape had changed, it was so much more definite, real. Inescapable.

Rin seemed to remember where she was at that moment, and her eyes flickered away from his as she picked up her shamisen and hurried over to her mentors. He continued to watch her movements, unable to look away, some part of his mind thinking that at any moment she would become the child he had known.

Finally Sesshoumaru was able to turn, wordlessly exiting the pavilion. While it had been strangely difficult to leave, the need to get away had become overwhelming. For all his considerations about the passing of time, he had been careless. It had slipped away, and the girl was now gone. He had done nothing differently than he had warned; he had been so intent on his goals that he had merely checked periodically to ensure that she was safe and well. He had insulated himself from noticing too much, from seeing how quickly she passed through the winter of her youth to the spring of adulthood, because there had been too much to do.

Yet now, he could not understand how anything could have been more important than holding onto that brief time when she had been a child, enjoying the carefree smiles and absurd songs and the strange feeling of knowing that someone needed him. And now it was too late, and the chance for that had passed beyond recall.

"Lord Sesshoumaru!"

It was a whisper, but the sound split the air and rent his thoughts, making him stop. A strange feeling pressed against his chest at hearing his name; for all the changes to the voice, the excitement that filled it was achingly familiar. Slowly he turned and found Rin hurrying down the steps toward him, her haste making her nearly fall numerous times.

When she finally reached him and raised her head, the uncomfortable pressure that had built around his heart seemed to ease. Perhaps he had been mistaken, merely confused by the finery he had never seen her in, for even with all the changes the child had not completely disappeared. She was glowing with all the warmness of her youth, smile bright in her flushed face. It was suddenly clear that while she had learned her role perfectly, it was nothing deeper than a facade, something that could be removed and discarded when the performance was over.

It was still strange, the mixture of the Rin he had known and the person she had been taught to be, but it would be bearable. Just because she had aged did not mean she was old; there were still decades of life before her, and perhaps he would find her company as pleasant now as before. Things did not need to be so drastically different as his shock had made them seem.

Sesshoumaru's thoughts were once again pulled to the present when Rin glanced over her shoulder, a frown touching her lips for a second as she looked back up at the pavilion. "If you wish to avoid the nobles, then perhaps I should mention that there was to be only one more performance after mine."

"I will not remain here long."

Some of the spark in her eyes was diminished at this, but she nodded. "I understand. It has been a long day for all of us, I believe, and tomorrow will no doubt be very busy for you as well." She paused for a moment, and then smiled slightly. "But even if that is the case, I am glad that both of you were able to be here tonight. I had hoped that you would make it in time. Although… where is Jaken?"

"Tending to Ah-Un," Kohaku supplied.

Rin snorted at this before quickly hiding her smile behind a sleeve and clearing her throat. "Well I'm sure he is enjoying that much more than seeing me. In any case, I would hate to give him the satisfaction of being able to point out what a mess I must look like." She raised her hands to remove the combs from her hair, which had come loose when she had rushed down the stairs.

"I think you look beautiful."

Rin's head snapped up to look at Kohaku, and even Sesshoumaru glanced at him from the corner of his eye. Apparently Kohaku was just as surprised at what he had said; for a moment his face went white before being quickly replaced by a bright red that marched up his throat and across his cheeks.

The beginnings of an uncomfortable silence were starting to draw out when Rin spoke. "Well, my instructors would be happy to hear that after all the time they spent on me this morning. I'm glad that it's not a daily necessity, and I'm pretty sure they understood my feelings about the matter."

At this point she was forced to pause as the murmur of voices and rustle of fabric could be heard from the pavilion. "That will be the conclusion of the last performance," she sighed. "So I suppose this is goodnight?"

While Sesshoumaru nodded slightly, Kohaku paused, looking intensely uncomfortable. "If you would not mind, I should like to hear more of how you have been," he finally said.

There was a flicker in Rin's eyes, almost unnoticeable and completely incomprehensible to Sesshoumaru. "Of course I do not mind, as long as you will tell your tales in return," she smiled.

He agreed and they had almost gone their separate ways when Rin paused, looking carefully up at Sesshoumaru. "May I ask if you plan to remain long at the palace?"

Through the thin veil of proper speech, he caught the barely suppressed tension, the worry that, as with every other occasion where they had briefly met, morning would find him gone. "Yes."

The light in her eyes again flared to life, and she left him with one more brilliant smile. "I am so glad you have come back, my lord."

Sesshoumaru did not reply that he was glad as well; he knew that she understood the words he would not say.

----

Rin lay on her futon, staring at the shadow patterns the momiji threw against the screen to her right. The wind touched the trees gently, making them sway and rustle faintly. Sighing, she sat up and carefully walked to the screen, opening it and standing on the veranda outside her room.

Sleeping was impossible. She had expected it to be difficult in any case because of her presentation, but after trying unsuccessfully to get some measure of rest for the last handful of hours, Rin knew that sleep would not be forthcoming. She might as well stay up a bit and allow her thoughts to work through everything she had heard. Perhaps then they could stop humming continuously.

When she had finished her presentation and noticed that Lord Sesshoumaru was there, it had only been her shock that kept her from ruining everything she had accomplished that night. Part of her had wanted to rush up to him at that moment, the first flutters of joy stirring instantly. Somehow she had managed to keep her senses enough to first approach her instructors, explaining why she wished to go and acquiring their permission. By the time this had been accomplished, the attention in the pavilion had been turned back to the performance, and she had been able to leave unnoticed through one of the side halls.

With a wry smile, Rin figured that having been so reasonable for that space of time had drained her reserves of sense; her handling of the rest of the meeting had lacked much of the grace she had used in the minutes before. Still, she had been too happy to care; the companions from her youth, those whom she loved more than any others, had all returned uninjured and healthy, and on the night of her presentation. There was little she felt she could ask for at that moment.

Except, perhaps, more time to speak with Lord Sesshoumaru. Although he had said that he planned to remain at the palace for some time, she did not know how he would spend that time. Perhaps there was still much he had to see to, things that had to be organized or settled. And while he might have time, she did not know what she would do, now that her presentation had been completed. Perhaps her day would still be divided between different mentors and instructors as it had been before. She could not remember hearing what happened now.

Still, Rin figured that she had been able to speak to Kohaku, and that had helped somewhat. She had liked him from the first time they met, although the circumstances then had been rather dangerous; she seemed to have a penchant for being drawn to the company of those who could have posed a serious threat to her life. Kohaku had proven to be a dependable companion, however, and had often been somebody she could talk to; she hated to bother Lord Sesshoumaru, and it was so easy to irritate Jaken with her questions that it was more trouble than it was worth.

By the time she had been brought to the palace, Rin had been proud to find that Kohaku was more willing to initiate conversation and was freer with his smiles than three years earlier, when he had joined their group. He had almost acted his age; in their first days at the palace, he had often come with her on her walks and played with her in the gardens.

Standing in the liquid light of the full moon, Rin frowned, thinking over the time she had spent with Kohaku that night. He had once again become solemn and quiet, older than his twenty-one years. While the maturity of his company was refreshing, it was also worrying; she knew that he was shy by nature, but not so grim. She wondered why, even now, he still seemed so guarded.

Of course, she had let nothing of these thoughts betray themselves. For her part, she had remained cheerful throughout their discussion, exaggerating the triviality of everything she had done during their separation when compared to the important role he had played.

He was more discerning on this matter than she would have liked; he returned to his questions regardless of how many times she tried to brush them away or distract him. Smiling slightly, he had shaken his head, and for a moment a bit of the sternness vanished. "The agreement was that I would tell you what happened in return for news about you. I would hate to have to say that your word means nothing."

"I'm rather more afraid of what you could say of me once you hear the ridiculousness I have been up to," she had sighed; but from then on she had been direct in her answers and waited her turn to ask the questions.

When she finally got her chance, she did not stop; she wished to learn every detail. After a time, Kohaku stopped waiting for the questions and merely retold what he could recall of everything that had occurred. He did not withhold any information, sharing both the good and the bad uncensored; she was grateful that he respected her enough not to dilute what had happened.

So Rin learned of the many battles, of which she had heard rumors, and of the final defeat of Naraku. Her appreciation of Kohaku grew considerably as she listened, and while she had never been able to explain why Lord Sesshoumaru had permitted Kohaku to join their group – yet, then again, she had never been able to explain her own inclusion, either – she was glad that he had allowed Kohaku to remain. It seemed that Kohaku had done more than enough to prove himself to be a worthy companion.

The thought stuck in Rin's mind. Kohaku had been able to help Lord Sesshoumaru in battle and aid him in the destruction of their greatest enemy. And all the while she had remained in the palace dressed up in fine silk, learning to play instruments and pour tea.

Slowly she sat down, her feet, dangling over the side of the walkway, just barely able to brush the grass. Leaning her head against the wooden pillar next to her, Rin allowed the familiar ache to wash over her, aware by now that it was useless to fight it until it passed. Kohaku had been allowed the chance to prove his worth, and had earned his place. But what had she done? What had she ever done to deserve everything Lord Sesshoumaru gave her?

----

Sesshoumaru stood on the slope between their rooms, paused to watch Rin as she stood outside her room. He had finished with the first set of trivial tasks he needed to complete upon returning to the palace, and he wanted nothing more than to distance himself from everything that reminded him of those duties. While he had always found the dense woods pleasant, he knew that there was another reason for his choice that night.

He had been more distracted than usual while performing the various obligations he needed to see to, and he was well aware that it was because thoughts of Rin would not leave him. Whether it was simply the lingering effects of his surprise, or the fact that he no longer had any reason to force himself not to think of her, he could not tell and did not particularly care. The cause was not his problem at the moment; it was the effect.

So at the first opportunity, he had gone to the woods, planning on no more than allowing the memories he had held at a distance to be recalled. Yet while he had expected Rin's scent to linger in the area – it had been one of the most difficult things to ignore when he had been forced to return to the palace over the years – it was much too strong at the moment.

He had then gone closer to her rooms and found her standing outside, the moonlight softening her outline as it caught in the white fabric of her nightclothes. Gone were the heavily decorated uchikake, the hints of makeup, the artificiality. Now she was acting for nobody, not even him.

And he realized now that earlier she had been. He had been able to catch snatches of half-concealed emotions, but had not been able to understand them until now. She sat down, and he saw the draw of her brow, the lines of sadness that were allowed to surface. Something was causing her unhappiness, but he could not understand what it could be. There did not seem to be anything she should feel unhappy about.

It only took a moment of thought before he made up his mind and slowly walked to the bottom of the slope and into view.

She stiffened when he drew near, and when she looked up, eyes over-bright, Sesshoumaru could not help but feel the similarities of this night to the one that had triggered the choices that had culminated in the events of that evening. While she initially looked surprised, this was chased away by embarrassment hastily concealed by the bowing of her head. "My lord," she murmured.

He watched her for a moment, almost amused by her reaction, before sitting next to her. Although he looked ahead, into the star-freckled sky, he saw Rin raise her head slightly, just enough to glance at him under her bangs. Yet she said nothing and merely looked at him in silence.

"They say that your presentation went well," he finally said, finding this quiet uncomfortable.

She started, apparently shaken from her thoughts, and then turned so that she faced ahead as well. "My instructors seemed to think so," she replied, brushing her hair over her shoulder. "Yet it does little good if I merely do _well_ and all the others do _exceptionally_."

Now he turned to look at her, unused to hearing this tone from her. "If they did exceptionally, I heard nothing of it; your name was the only one spoken."

"Mine?" Rin's feet, which had been swinging slightly, stopped altogether.

Even after he nodded, she continued to look at him for a moment longer before the corner of her lips pulled in a small smile. "Perhaps you are merely biased and so simply did not notice the other names?"

Although he was momentarily distracted by her words – he had forgotten how direct her speech was – it was surprisingly simple to remember how little he cared. "Perhaps," he acknowledged, "but I doubt that such was the case."

Now she smiled openly, and her voice carried the hint of laughter. "You must be careful, my lord, or your words will go to my head. Roundabout as it might be, it's still flattery."

"You are not thinking about what you're saying," Sesshoumaru said quietly, yet this only made her laugh. But he did not mind, because he had expected nothing else. Their words were simply banter, ridiculous and senseless, something trivial that, when he thought about it, he could not remember ever having partook in before. Words had not held much importance to him, things that did not last and did not guarantee. But for some reason, they were much easier to use around Rin.

He justified what seemed like such puerile behavior by the fact that what shreds of sadness had been bothering Rin were now clearly gone, replaced by her easy grin and laughter. Of course that brought up why it was so important for him to make sure her mood was directed in such a way, but he did not feel it necessary to address that issue.

The conversation did turn more serious, however, as she asked him questions to fill in any gaps from what Kohaku had told her. Sesshoumaru was glad that she already knew as much as she did; no doubt recounting all the facts had been a tiring task for Kohaku considering Rin's attention to detail.

For his part, he had already heard most of what he wanted to know concerning her, and he had been able to receive the answers he desired over the years. What Rin had done in the time that had passed was well known to him already, and so there was no need to ask such questions.

Eventually, there came a faint change to the air, its softness belying its importance; it was only a few hours before dawn, and over the ocean the winds were starting to warm and change.

Sesshoumaru rose; they had been sitting together in peaceful silence for a few minutes. Rin looked up at him, brows lifting for a moment in preparation of a question, before she checked herself.

Of course, he had noticed every small facial movement, and almost sighed. How fortunate it was that Rin was not tangled in the various intrigues of the palace; her emotions and thoughts were too plainly displayed upon her features for her to have any success at such games of secrecy. "What is it, Rin?"

"I was just curious if I would be able to see you tomorrow," she said quietly. "I said I would miss you, and I have… although, if you have other responsibilities, I do understand."

He considered her for a moment, and found it strange that without truly thinking about it, he had already planned to return the next day. "There will be time. I will return tomorrow evening."

She gave him another brilliant smile, and he found it hard to believe that he had first approached her that night because she had seemed so sad. "I will be waiting for you, then," she said, before moving to get up and return to her room.

Without being entirely aware of what he was doing, as though it were something that warranted as little attention as breathing, Sesshoumaru took Rin's hand and helped her rise.

It was her shock that made him realize what he had done, although she was skilled in hiding this reaction. She softly released his hand when she stood, and he was allowed a moment to wonder why he had done such a thing as he let his hand return to his side.

"Goodnight, my lord," Rin whispered, bowing her head slightly.

"Goodnight," he heard himself reply, still lost in the strengthening confusion of what he had done, before he turned and made his way back to his own rooms.


	4. Gradual Acceptance

Well, it's been a bit of a break since the last chapter, eh? Unfortunately, I am prone to mucking things up, so the editing and cleaning done over that time was definitely necessary. However, updates should be regular now, and this chapter is a pretty decent length, so that's something, I hope.

Thank you again to those who reviewed! Reading those is probably ten times more enjoyable for me than reading the story is for you. I really do appreciate them.

* * *

"Rin?"

She looked up suddenly, surprised from her thoughts. Kohaku was watching her, his eyes faintly tinted with worry. She smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry I keep getting distracted. I'm being horrible company today."

He shook his head, relaxing. "No, I know that there are many things for you to think about."

While she was thankful for his understanding, she wished that she had the honor to clear his misconceptions. It was true that there was a number of things she could not help but consider at the moment, but those he supposed her to be thinking of and the ones actually occupying her mind were quite different.

He believed that she was turning over the rumor that another request to wed her had been presented to Lord Sesshoumaru. Rin supposed that she could stretch that in a way to cover what she was more interested in – the corresponding rumor that, once again, Lord Sesshoumaru had refused the proposal.

There had been one for sure, in early fall, and then another alleged just a few weeks ago. Just the one, the definite one, was enough of a curiosity for her, both because of the simple fact that it existed but also because Lord Sesshoumaru had denied it. She had been absolutely hounded by all her various mentors and instructors after that, all of them demanding to know if she had spoken some negative word concerning the match to their lord.

But Rin had been as surprised as the rest of them. She had not been able to understand why Lord Sesshoumaru had declined the noble's request, especially considering how unlikely she had thought it that she would receive any such proposals. Of course, she was not complaining about his choice; the thought of marrying somebody she could only vaguely remember meeting was rather terrifying. Still, it had seemed so odd. She couldn't make sense of it.

Especially since there seemed that there had been two others. Of course, rumors were not reliable, and it was possible that they had never occurred. But somehow that did not fit, and strange as they were, Rin felt that they had more than likely been true.

So now she was left to wonder what Lord Sesshoumaru was thinking. She would not question him about the subject, of course, but it did not help her from being curious as to what his reasons were.

Her thoughts were again circling around Lord Sesshoumaru, the person who had always, in some way or other, been at their center. While Kohaku believed her to be preoccupied with the issues of a third chance for marriage being overlooked, she could honestly care less about that matter.

Considering the time that had passed, Rin figured that she could probably say that everything in the past few months had been odd. She had expected that Lord Sesshoumaru's return, whenever that would happen, would somehow make everything fit back into place, restore a sort of calm she knew she was missing but could not explain. As it was turning out, however, the opposite was occurring. Everything felt more chaotic, leaving her with a feeling like she was merely holding her breath now, waiting for something beyond her understanding.

This was, she knew, due in large part to the fact that Lord Sesshoumaru seemed, from what little she felt she could judge on such a matter, to be acting strangely. While she enjoyed this strangeness – she had to attribute it both to the fact that she was allowed to visit with him multiple times during the week and that she was not having to think of a wedding – it did make her wonder. As she currently was. Again.

Shaking her head, hoping that it would scatter or loosen her mind from the loop of thoughts it continually returned to, Rin tried to focus on her present situation. She was walking with Kohaku in the lanes before the hall in which her rooms were located, having wanted to look at the thin blanket of snow on the bare limbs of the sleeping plants. No longer insulated in her thoughts, she realized how cold it was; the pale watery light of the early morning sun did nothing to warm the frozen landscape. She almost wished she had worn another layer of kimono, but what she had on already was so terribly heavy that the impediment it would have been to her present activity would have proved greater than the warmth.

Still, she could not prevent the shiver she tried to suppress all the same, slipping her hands further into the recesses of her sleeves. She saw Kohaku glance at her sidelong at the movement, but she tried to act as though she did not know that he had seen.

"Are you sure it is wise to stay outside in this weather?" he asked softly, looking ahead again.

"I don't see why not. I've been out in the winter before," she pointed out.

"Things were different then."

Rin nearly snorted. "True; I did not have what feels like a hundred layers of clothing on at that time."

She looked up at Kohaku in time to see the shadow of a smile cross his lips, some of the darkness in his eyes withdrawing for a moment. Even when the faint smile was gone, she continued watching him, aware that it was probably painfully obvious to him that she was doing so.

Kohaku was another mystery. She saw him more frequently than Lord Sesshoumaru, and although the two probably spoke just as infrequently as the other, Rin had found it much easier to understand Kohaku's silent thoughts. She had come to accept that he was not likely to display his feelings as openly as he had when they had been younger; this was merely an effect of how he had matured. She now understood that his disposition was much the same as before, simply deeper from the surface.

Knowing, then, that he was not simply being distant, Rin had been able to get along extremely well with him. The reasons they had been on such good terms in their youth again became clear, and she was enjoying his company more than almost any other. And, in any case, it was nice to be able to talk to another human at times, to let her intrinsic nature touch upon something familiar for a moment in the midst of so much that was different. He provided her with a foundation of sorts, somebody in whom she could ground her thoughts. Regardless of how long she had lived with the demons, being in the company of her instructors could at times feel overwhelming, and Kohaku was always willing to provide stability. Sometimes she wondered how she had been able to go through her education without him nearby.

By now the sun had risen enough that the whole landscape was a vision of a thousand shining points, the snow sparkling like diamonds. It was only because of mornings like this, where the cold turned the world to shimmering glass, that Rin could stand the winter. For a time she could forget her longing for a warm sun and the tempered cool of the shade under trees.

They had almost completed their circuit, nearly to her rooms again. As she climbed the steps, careful of the frost, she asked Kohaku what things he needed to accomplish during the day.

He paused momentarily, only continuing reluctantly when she raised a brow. "I'm to receive another assignment."

Sighing in a manner she knew would have been reprimanded if her mentors had been around, Rin pushed her screen open a bit more forcefully than she had intended. There was a very distinct snap as the wooden frame hit the end of its track. "I don't understand why you have to do those things," she muttered.

"You know why I do them," Kohaku answered softly.

"I do _know_; what I said was that I don't _understand_," she replied, but the exasperation was now gone from her voice. Try as she might, she found it impossible to remain unhappy about Kohaku's choices for very long. He asked for things to do now that he had been given residence at the palace, and it was a noble sentiment that she couldn't very well hold a grudge against.

"I don't know why you want to know when I must go on such things when they upset you."

"Because if you were gone and I did not know why, I would worry even more than I do when I know." She gripped the screen to close it behind her, feeling no qualms about ending their conversation in such an abrupt manner, aware that Kohaku would stop to see her before he departed that evening.

"I'm sorry that my actions cause you to worry."

Rin paused for a moment, drooping, before finally turning to him. "Please don't apologize. It's not such a bad thing to worry about another person, I don't suppose; it merely means that you are somebody worth caring about, right?"

For a long time he did not reply, looking at her silently, before slowly smiling. "I cannot help but wonder if your concern is misplaced, but it is nonetheless appreciated. I would still prefer that you were not worried for me."

"I'm afraid that then you would not be able to go on these tasks, and that would probably upset some internal code of honor you have. I know that you're a skilled fighter, though; I will just try to remind myself of that fact more than I have in the past. Perhaps then I won't have to be continually wondering if you are alright or not."

"You will have to tell me how that turns out," Kohaku replied, the first hints of laughter coloring his voice before he once again became serious. "I will say my goodbyes this evening, sometime before I leave."

Rin nodded. "I'm sure you will be able to find me. There is not far that I can go."

When he left, Rin could not decide if she was happy that he had not noticed the note of bitterness in her words, or if she wished that he had.

----

Sesshoumaru waited until Kohaku left before visiting Rin himself; he knew enough of their routine by now to understand that they would be exchanging various sentiments before the boy finally departed.

Although he waited, it was by no means patient; he was not used to having to prevent himself – within his own palace, no less – from doing what he wished when he wished. It was interesting to note, however, that his impatience was not for his own sake. While his time was important, it was _her_ time that was his concern.

While it had taken a little while adjust to what was almost a new Rin, to accept the grace of bearing and the eloquence and wit in her speech, it did not take as long as he might have expected. This was mostly on account of the fact that he realized that he could no longer waste time on such trivial matters when it was slipping away so quickly.

So now, being forced to wait and consider the seconds and minutes that were passing by that, any other day, would have been his, he was starting to feel the first prickle of irritation. They had already spent the morning together; did they have to take the whole evening as well?

Of course, a part of him realized a measure of the absurdity these thoughts held, and that part was quickly becoming just as irritated, but with a different subject: himself.

It was not a new phenomenon. Indeed, since returning to the palace, it seemed to be occurring with more frequency than before. With his new appreciation for the passage of time, Sesshoumaru had attempted to see Rin whenever he could. And it was pleasant to do so; Rin's spirit was the same as it had been in her youth, the only changes bringing a maturity that made conversation almost enjoyable in itself.

Yet there was something deeply unsettling about spending so much time with her. It felt too much like dependence, the need to see her whenever the opportunity arose. Although the feeling was considerably vaguer than it would have been in years past, before he had known Rin, there was still a touch of revulsion that he had allowed himself to become so attached to a human. What could be gained in such a short time that would not be lost eventually?

The argument was always in his mind, but it never changed his actions. He had fallen into a pattern he had no desire to break, regardless of what end it would inevitably bring.

So now he had nothing to do but wait.

For a while, he went through a pile of scrolls, various issues of the lands under his control. He was just able to make half-sense of them, his thoughts always trying to pick up some sign that he could stop his pretense at productivity.

When it finally came, he placed the scroll he was presently reading back among the others. It only took a few moments before he had reached Rin's rooms and found her outside, dark figure blending into the shadows of the winter landscape.

She turned to him as he stepped out from the trees, and he noticed that her smile did not quite reach her eyes. "I hope you did not have to wait," she said softly as he approached.

He would not lie to her, but he did not think that the truth would help drive away the flicker of sadness he saw on her face. "You should be inside," he said instead, his inspection of her features making him notice how pale she was.

"I would rather stay outside for now, if you do not mind. I have to spend so much time inside as it is."

He observed her for a moment more, able to feel the heat that was leaving her body, and paused on flat-out commanding that she go back to where it was warm.

She noticed his hesitation. "You forget that there were years where I lived alone before I found you," she reminded him. "I was only a child, and I managed to live through the winters. I understand my limits."

This argument was enough, and wordlessly he turned to the path.

They continued in silence, Sesshoumaru unable to initiate a conversation and Rin apparently unwilling. The faint cracks of the trees in the cold broke the frozen air, violently shattering the silence. But neither spoke.

Until, suddenly, Rin looked up at him and apparently divulged the reason for her darker mood. "Why must you let Kohaku go on these errands of yours?"

Now that it had been spoken, he realized that he had been, on some level, aware that this was the issue the whole evening. The answer rose easily. "Because he requests them."

"But I do not see why that makes it necessary to grant them. What if something were to happen to him?"

He overlooked the fact that she was blatantly questioning his decisions. "He understands the risks involved."

Now Rin stopped, and although she did not speak, the emotions displayed across her face betrayed something of what was to come. "You said yourself that it was unnecessary that he do these things."

"It is unnecessary in my view. If it is necessary from his view, however, that is another matter."

She looked down now, her brows drawn together. "Why is it that he is allowed to settle his conscience, while others have to simply bear it?"

So while everything she had spoken of was the problem, this was its heart. Where she had merely been afraid of being a burden all those years ago, her thoughts had now embraced that she was. He wondered how long the feeling had been growing in her heart, how deeply its roots pierced.

"If it were your choice, you would have him stay here, safe, even if he then could not put his mind at ease."

She nodded. "I would."

"Then you should understand why it is that I will not allow you to do such tasks for me."

Her head remained bent, apparently absorbing the meaning of his words. Perhaps it was selfish, to prevent her from doing something to assuage her feelings for the benefit of his own. Not all battles were fought with weapons; with the skills she had learned over the last few years, it would be possible to send her to entertain various lords and nobles in order to gather news and information. While it made tactical sense, the mere thought of everything that could go wrong, all the possibilities that arose if she were placed in the middle of such things, made his protectiveness of her even stronger. He had not forgotten her scent in hell, the cold touch of her skin, and the knowledge that it had been his fault that she had died. He would never put himself in a place to again feel that pain, deeper and more complete than any superficial wound of the flesh.

"Then what would you have me do?" she asked, still without looking at him. All the fire was gone from her voice, which now merely sounded forlorn, and he was reminded that, while she was not a child, she was still so young.

"Just what you are."

Now she finally looked up at him, and must have understood what he meant – she gave him the flicker of a smile. "You know that is too simple to pacify me."

"It is only simple because you are modest."

She laughed then, and he knew that the worst of the conversation had passed. He felt something inside him relax. "I am not being modest," she countered. "I know how precious your time is; that you choose to spend some of it with me is a great honor."

"You must be unaware of the demands on your time, in that case," he replied as they began to walk again. "There have been many inquires about you following your presentation."

"I've heard rumors." There was a short pause, and then she looked up at him. "May I ask you about one of them?"

For a moment he met her eyes before looking ahead again. She caught the silent permission.

"I know that the main reason that the presentation to the court is done is as a sort of message that those presented are available to be wed…" she started, clearly feeling a bit awkward but continuing nonetheless. "I never really believed anything would amount from it on my account, but the women have mentioned that there may have been three put before you…"

"There were."

There was a longer silence now, almost stunned. He nearly smiled at her surprise, but suppressed it.

"Could I ask… why you denied them?" she finally got out.

He raised one brow slowly. "Would you have rather I had agreed to one of them?"

"No!" she squeaked, looking quite unsettled now. "I just— I didn't know why…"

"They held no particular feelings for you," he finally replied. "They believed that a connection with you would improve their status within the court, and since you had proved that you would be capable of playing the role of the proper wife, marrying a human seemed like a small sacrifice for the gains."

"Oh… I see," she murmured, playing with the hem of her sleeve.

"I did not believe you would desire such a union."

She nodded. "I would rather be with somebody who cared for me, or nobody at all. Although I know that will probably eliminate my options here, I suppose."

He did not reply.

----

The routine did not alter much in the following months, continuing through the winter and on into the early spring. Rin found her time pleasantly split, almost always able to visit with either Kohaku or Sesshoumaru. While she had liked a few of her instructors, it was still much nicer to be able to be herself without fear of reprimand.

There were a number of little assignments that Kohaku went off on during this time, always returning successfully within a week. Rin grudgingly felt some of her misgivings slowly dissolve, become more inconsequential as he proved, time and again, that he was more than capable of handling the missions.

It wasn't until early April that Rin felt herself become truly anxious, no matter how completely unfounded the feeling was; something had come up that Lord Sesshoumaru was going to see to himself.

It was the last day before he was to leave. They were sitting on the banks of a stream beneath the limbs of a cluster of cherry trees after she had insisted that they go there. It was not terribly often that she saw him before sunset, and she had wanted to go somewhere that required an amount of light.

They had spoken some when they had first arrived, but conversation had steadily moved towards silence. It was comfortable, though, companionable; there simply wasn't a need for words at the moment.

The sun gave off a gentle warmth, pulling the fragile scent from the cherry blossoms and pressing it into the air. She watched the sway of the blooms above her head, pale pink against pale blue, before dropping her gaze to the figure leaning against the tree next to her.

Sesshoumaru looked like he was resting, eyes closed so that the stripe of color on his eyelids stood out vividly against his fair face. It was strange how well he fit in this delicate pastel world, silver-white hair already touched with falling petals, when she was aware of how little it could take to provoke the killer underneath the calm.

He must have sensed that she was looking at him for his eyes slowly opened, turning to considering her.

_Such strange eyes_, she thought, not for the first time, when she met the liquid gold. Strange, just as she had thought the rest of him, and yet… "Your eyes are beautiful."

When he blinked, it was just enough time for Rin to realize what she had said out loud and feel the beginnings of mortification. She instantly looked away, staring hard at the grass as though it would have the answer for why she had said such a thing.

While she could feel him looking at her, she tried to ignore it for as long as she could. She knew it was useless, though; with time, she felt her will crumble and she reluctantly looked back at him.

It was hard to decide if she felt relieved or even more embarrassed when she noticed how soft his expression was, the sort of feeling to his features of a smile that was never seen. By now she was aware that her cheeks must have been glowing, and his attention only made it worse.

This was, apparently, amusing to him. "Are they?" he asked softly, almost teasingly.

She tried to gather what scraps of dignity she could snatch from the mess she had made of it. "Yes."

He watched her for a moment more before turning back to the stream. "Your eyes are beautiful as well."

----

She was utterly hopeless company that evening, and Kohaku noticed.

It had been the fourth time she had asked him to repeat something he had said when he finally looked at her quizzically. "You do have a tendency to be a daydreamer, but this is beyond ridiculous," he said, somehow balanced between jest and sincerity.

"I really am sorry," she said with perfect honesty. She swung her leg slightly, letting her foot brush against the new spring grass below.

"I had expected that you wouldn't be your usual self tonight, but this isn't quite what I anticipated. You had seemed unsettled last night."

"I'm sure it will come around again," she said with a shrug. "Just give me a day or two and you'll more than get your fill of that, I'm sure."

"Well I don't _want_ you to…" Kohaku said, frowning slightly. "I'm just trying to understand what happened."

"It's nothing, really," she said, brushing it off while her heart felt like it practically laughed. Internally, she had been glowing since that afternoon. It didn't seem to matter in what intent Sesshoumaru's words were, their effect remained constant for the rest of the day.

There was a silence touched by the sound of the wind brushing the trees. "Rin?"

She looked up at him, brows raised. "Yes?"

Kohaku fidgeted for a moment, before sighing. "Never mind."

While she watched him, waiting to see if he would change his mind, he said nothing further.


	5. The Fall of Blossoms

Whoo, chapter five! I like this one quite a bit... it had all sorts of fun for me to write. So, I hope that everybody enjoys it as well! Although I don't suppose it'll be quite as fun to read… hoom.

I'm sorry that I didn't quite make the one week update, and that I can't personally reply to the reviewers. I think it's an important thing to do… you take the time to tell me your opinion and thoughts, and I think it's only polite to acknowledge them. However, with finals coming up and everything, I can't be sure when I'd have time to say what I would like to say, and I figured you'd all rather have the chapter now without comments instead of waiting.

… At least, that's what I hope.

Anyway, I should be able to return to doing that by the next chapter. But just know (again again… I'm like a broken record on this, I swear…) that I really do appreciate the reviews!

* * *

When Sesshoumaru returned, the completion of his goals had opened up new tasks, and Kohaku was quickly assigned one of these. It had nearly been a month since Kohaku had left the palace, and it was clear that he was ready to once again accomplish something.

Although Sesshoumaru had only been gone for five days, it had felt longer and more tedious than any other time he had spent away from the palace. It almost amused him that he was so eager to return to the place that, not long ago, he could not get away from fast enough.

But, of course, at that time there had been no Rin.

It was hard to explain what he felt when he had returned, finding her smiling face among all the solemn ones. A smile… something he so rarely received from anybody else. But she was always full of such things, so willing to give them to him for no reason he could comprehend. Even though he had come to secretly enjoy them years ago, something had happened, something that now made them both painful and precious. He could not understand it.

The evening after Kohaku left, Sesshoumaru followed the now familiar path to Rin's rooms. He was not surprised to find her outside, waiting for him although they had not yet spoken since his return.

She smiled, rising as he approached. "I am happy that you were able to return home so quickly," she said, falling into step next to him. "I was afraid that, once you left and realized how dull it is here, you might decide to pursue other missions."

"I did not wish to leave even on that errand."

There was now a sardonic twist to Rin's smile as she looked sidelong at him. "You mean that you would prefer to stay here, walking in a garden, rather than expanding your empire?"

It was true that his greatest concern for years had been to increase his power. He looked up, considering the sky, the spill of ruby light into the open cups of tree blossoms. How strange that this was what he would prefer.

They continued walking in the young night, breeze making branches dance softly above their heads. Rin hummed quietly, touching the flowers that hung low over the path and smiling to herself. Sometimes she walked ahead to these, and sometimes she fell behind, but after a moment she always returned to his side.

"I've been so glad that there are flowers here," Rin said finally, smiling back at him as he approached; she had hurried ahead to a branch so laden with blooms that it had sunk close to the ground. "It surprised me, the first time I came, but I was very happy."

"I remember," he said softly, watching her break a small sprig with a cluster of flowers on the end. "Those who tend to the grounds were beyond exasperation and shock at how many flowers you picked."

She laughed, her cheeks turning red even as she grinned. "Yes, I did not understand moderation then, did I? But I would like to think that I know more now." Thoughtfully, she touched the blossomed branch in her hands. "It is better to have one beautiful flower, one perfect flower, than a thousand that are simply bright and striking, that you want merely because they are there. One flower can be enough, if is the right one."

Rin glanced up at him under the sweep of her bangs, eyes both bright and dark. Slowly, she raised her hand, holding out the branch to him. "For you, my lord," she said quietly. "A perfect flower."

He accepted the gift unconsciously, holding it lightly in his hand as he looked down at her. He could feel it, a shadow on the edge of his thoughts, slipping closer with every moment he watched her, met her steady glance.

As the breeze touched them, brushing through their hair, Sesshoumaru found himself surrounded by Rin's scent, warm and fragrant; it reminded him of summer, of an afternoon in summer, of golden light and flowers and sun-kissed waters, of everything that made him think of Rin.

His hand lifted to her hair, pushing back the strands that had been pulled by the wind. She still met his eyes as he gently tucked the flowers behind her ear, her calm face belying the way her heart was pounding, the sound clear to him in the silence.

For a moment, his hand lingered, pressed softly against the side of her face. He was dimly unwilling to move away from the warmth of her cheek beneath his palm or the softness of her hair against his fingers. And when she turned her head slightly so that every part of his hand now touched her skin, every vague thought of pulling away disappeared; he wanted nothing more than to pull her closer.

_A perfect flower_.

And then he understood.

----

The kanji all blended together, meaningless lines on the scroll he had no interest in reading. Nearly sighing, Sesshoumaru rolled it up and tossed it carelessly into a corner. Every attempt at directing his thoughts had proved useless; no matter what he had done in the past three days, thinking about Rin was inescapable.

He opened a screen and stepped outside, frowning. The smell of flowers was nearly overpowering. Were he to leave now, to find some place away from the distractions of the palace to allow himself to _think_, it would do no good. The whole country would be flooded with flowers; the scent would tamper with any attempt to consider the situation he now found himself in.

For a moment, for the first second the feeling touched his heart, his expression softened. In that brief instant, the knowledge that he loved Rin held only happiness. But it never lasted, because it was not that simple.

So now he felt the chill of all the objections his logic supplied. There were so many little things, but they could all be simplified into one: she was a human. It was a condition that would never change. Even if it were possible, that she could become a demon, he would not want that; it was all the strange, endearing, human qualities about Rin that made her who she was.

He did not understand how it could have happened. It had seemed so impossible that he had never worried about the chance that he could grow to love her in such a way, and so he had missed every warning. Looking back, he realized there had been many, hundreds of little instances where he could have seen the direction in which his slow moving emotions were going. But he had not noticed, and now he was left with questions about what to do that came without answers.

Vaguely, he was aware that his present actions needed to stop. He had been avoiding Rin, afraid that, if he were in her presence much longer, he would reach the point where he no longer had any options. Perhaps he had reached it already; perhaps while he tried to distance himself from the situation, he would inevitably find himself again at her side. But until he was sure, as long as he felt like there were choices, he needed to consider them.

There were things he wished to accomplish, goals that he had held for decades, centuries. For so long, those had been the only things that had been important to him, the only aims worth pursuing. He had believed that if he could accomplish them that then, perhaps, he could be happy. But did he really want conquest because he desired a vast empire, or just because it was something he could do, something he knew he could take?

It is better to have one beautiful flower, one perfect flower, than a thousand that are simply bright and striking, that you want merely because they are there. One flower can be enough, if it is the right one.

Yes, he had thought of her words many times over the last few days. Battle, empire, power… the things he had believed he desired. The things that were striking, that he wanted because they were available. Whereas Rin…

He was well aware of what Rin was.

But the question still remained: could one flower be enough? And if it could, should he allow it to be so?

There was the sound of movement in the hall, and Sesshoumaru's thoughts were thankfully dispersed. He instantly recognized the scent of the person who now stood outside his rooms.

Shutting the screen again, he turned to face the interior of the room. "Enter."

Kohaku opened the screen and bowed. Sesshoumaru was mildly surprised to see that the boy was not wearing his armor as he usually did when returning from a mission. The reason for this became apparent as he paid more attention to Kohaku's scent.

"You were injured."

Kohaku nodded slowly, stiffly entering the room. "It could have been much worse," was all he said about the matter before relaying the necessary information about the task he had accomplished.

When Kohaku finished speaking, Sesshoumaru considered what he had heard before nodding slightly. "That is sufficient," he said at length, expecting that then Kohaku would leave as he always did.

But the boy remained sitting, staring hard at the tatami. Sesshoumaru had risen already and now paused, looking at Kohaku's lowered head. "May I have an additional moment of your time, Lord Sesshoumaru?" he finally asked.

Slowly, Sesshoumaru sat again, eyeing Kohaku suspiciously. His scent was all wrong, confused to the point that Sesshoumaru could not pick out a single emotion with certainty. Suddenly, Kohaku's hands balled into fists, so tight that his knuckles turned white before he looked up.

"I realized some things from this mission," he said, voice quiet. "It would have been so simple for me to be dead instead of injured right now, and that put everything into perspective. It left me with the realization that I have been a coward for too long concerning things that are important." He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "I would like to receive your permission to ask Rin to marry me."

----

The stillness was shattered with the sound of the outside screen suddenly being opened.

Rin paused, weight shifted back onto her feet as she prepared to stand. She had just finished rearranging the low table along one wall to make room for a new addition – a dish with the flowers from earlier that week. Until then, she had kept the small branch merely resting on the table, but now the petals were falling off, and she was afraid that any breeze would scatter them.

She now looked to see who had come. Even with the sunlight behind him making his figure no more than a silhouette, Rin instantly knew who it was.

Quickly she rose, smile crossing her face. "My lord!" she said happily, aware that, regardless of what she had schooled herself about over the past few days, she was probably already blushing.

It wasn't until he entered the room that Rin realized that something was wrong. The smile slipped as she looked at him, carefully considering his face. While he had rarely betrayed emotion through his expression, superficially distant, there was always something intangible about him that was very present, that made it clear that he was aware of everything around him.

But now he seemed utterly beyond her reach, withdrawn completely. She had never seen him this way before, and she felt a small flare of panic. What had happened to make him like this?

Sesshoumaru was now standing in the middle of the room, still silent. Slowly she approached him, hands knotting together anxiously in front of her. "My lord…?" she said softly, trying to find his gaze beneath his bangs.

He finally glanced down at her, and she felt like every flicker of warmth left her. "Rin."

It took all of her willpower to fight the impulses that jumped through her – those to hold him and those to step back. _His eyes… his eyes look dead_. Yet she stood, taking a deep breath before she was able to find her voice again. "My lord, what has happened?"

Her question seemed to spark something, and there was now a flash in the amber eyes. In that moment she realized that the complete lack of anything had been an expression unto itself, the revelation of some emotion she could not name. Now the mask was again securely in place.

He turned, seemingly indifferent. "Nothing has happened, yet."

There was a silence now, the sort that pressed a heavy reluctance to speak against Rin's lips. It did not seem to be her place to speak, but the questions that she was trying to swallow refused to be pushed aside. "May I ask why you have come?"

"I have come here on many other occasions; why is it tonight that you question my motives?"

She fidgeted, trying to think of a way to be tactful. It suddenly seemed like the ease with which she had spoken to him in the past months would no longer fit. "Usually you come later in the evening. I thought that perhaps something was wrong."

"No. Nothing is wrong." He turned back towards the screen, speaking as he walked. "I merely wished to make you aware that Kohaku will be here to ask something of you this evening."

Some of the initial shock was starting to wear off, although the whole situation still felt incredibly uncomfortable. Still, she was now beginning to feel curious. "A question?"

When Sesshoumaru did not respond, instead continuing to walk towards the screen, Rin felt her brow furrow as she followed behind him. "What's going on? What are you talking about?" They were now outside her rooms; his pace had not changed at all. She frowned. "If your true reason for coming was to tell me about what will happen tonight, you have done a very poor job of explaining anything."

He paused now, looking at her over his shoulder, the annoyance clear in his eyes. "It is not my concern."

While Rin could not ever remember being angry with Lord Sesshoumaru, she felt that she might soon learn what it was like. At the moment she was very irritated. "If it was not your concern, I don't know why you took the time to tell me half the story."

Now he turned to face her completely. "Kohaku is going to ask for your hand."

It took a second for the statement to sink through the barrier of her frustration, but when it did, the shock extinguished every other feeling. "He's… he's going to _what_?"

"You heard me perfectly the first time."

The words were hard, colder than she expected. This time she could not help herself; she shrank back. "I'm just… I did not expect–"

"You didn't?" he asked, but his tone held nothing of a question. "After all the time you have spent with him, you could not anticipate this?"

"No…" she murmured. She was lost in thought for a moment, before something occurred to her. "But… how is it that you learned of this, my lord?"

"That is a truly foolish question," he said monotonously, but before the sting of the words could settle, he continued. "Kohaku approached me this afternoon for my consent."

"And you granted it?"

"I saw no reason not to do so. He has been the only one to show interest in you for reasons other than political gain."

It was surprising, how deeply those words hurt. He had said something of that nature not long ago, but, somehow, this was very different from that time. _The only one to show interest_… Rin realized now how highly her hopes had risen following the events a few days ago. She had almost allowed herself to believe that Sesshoumaru could…

But apparently that had been nothing more than a dream. He did not care for her in such a way. She couldn't believe she had been so stupid, and now she felt her heart paying the price for the vision she had allowed herself to buy into.

He was still looking at her casually, and suddenly the only thing that was important was maintaining her composure, to hold onto her dignity before him. There would be time to let the pain run its course, but she would hold it back in front of him. She would not allow herself to be the only one showing such emotions.

When she knew she could control her voice, keep her face schooled into a look of thoughtful acceptance, she spoke. "I see. I had said that I only wished to marry somebody who would love me, and Kohaku has been a wonderful friend to me for years. I did not wish to be a burden to Lord Sesshoumaru, and now I will not have to worry about such again." Slowly, she bowed, staring at the smooth wood as she formed the words that felt like knives in her throat. "With my lord's blessing, I will be happy to enter into such a marriage."

"Very well."

And then he turned, the soft sounds of his footfalls sinking into the most blessed silence Rin could remember. For it meant that he had gone, and she could raise her tear-streaked face long enough to run into her room.


	6. Lost

Sooo... I'm sorry that this chapter is so short. I know that's crappy when stuff is so small, but it was the best place to break before the next chapter. On another note, though, the next chapter is also the last, and will be a bit longer. And hopefully more satisfying. :) Anyway, I hope that everybody still enjoys the chapter, regardless of its length!

* * *

"Yes, the silks arrived yesterday! I heard that there are a dozen women working on it so that it will be finished by next month."

Sesshoumaru felt the poison pool in his fingers as he listened, motionless. The voices of the women gradually faded until they were no more than a hum on the edge of hearing, but he still felt the scowl that wished to cross his features. Only the greatest self-control kept him from betraying such an obvious emotion. And from destroying the brush in his hand.

It had been hard enough to write the various orders without having to hear about them as well. He knew the silks for Rin's wedding uchikake had come in the night before; he was now preparing the message to be sent back to the silk weavers. Somehow, he could distract himself from what was obviously happening in the rigid formality of such dispatches. It was when he heard or saw or smelled the things revolving around the wedding, things that were tangible, that he had trouble.

He had hoped that it would become easier with time, but it had not. If anything, the two months that had passed only made it harder. Now it was impossible to think of anything else for a meaningful length of time.

As she had said she would, Rin accepted Kohaku's proposal. Then all of the preparations and arrangements had been started, mostly overseen by those who had been Rin's guardians in the years before. Mostly, but not completely; since Rin was his ward, there had been some things that were inescapably his responsibility.

And these had been… painful. Whenever he thought back to the afternoon he had revealed Kohaku's intent, he realized the multitude of mistakes he had made. He had been shocked when Kohaku had asked, and then the shock had turned into anger. But the reason for his anger had been so fluid, impossible to pin down. It had been in a sort of haze that he had allowed Kohaku to ask Rin – after all, just because he asked did not mean she would accept – before going to see her. It was her opinion he wanted to hear, her response that was of any importance.

But Sesshoumaru had been shaken by how suddenly things he had believed could wait were now moving. He had no patience, and while it had always taken Rin a long time to become upset, once she started down such a path she was impossible to move from it. So then everything had fallen apart. He vividly remember the scent of her tears as he left, although she had done everything she could to prevent him from seeing. For a moment he had almost stopped, turned around to discover just why she was crying, but his pride had not permitted it. And now everything was displaced, and he could not think of how it could all fit back together.

He did not know why it bothered him as much as it did, that she was going to marry Kohaku. Yes, he had admitted to himself that he loved her, but that was a reason that should have been extinguished long ago. There had been times when he had been attached to things, perhaps even loved them, but he had been able to withdraw himself, return to where he felt nothing. Why couldn't this be the same?

And besides that, he had made no plans regarding his feelings. Just because he felt such things did not mean that he would take action. He had been perfectly aware of Rin's feelings for him. She had never been able to disguise her emotions from him, and the evolution of her love had been so gradual that he had not been bothered by it; at least, he had not been bothered by it until he had returned it, which had changed the situation entirely.

He knew that if he had made any offer, she would have accepted. There was no variable to that, no chance; her love had always shined so obviously from her eyes. But all that had been merely one option, one path he had been considering, and most of the others had not involved Rin. What was happening now was the closest to the plans he thought most logical, but this was even better – the person who wished to marry Rin actually loved her and would care for her. He could not understand why, regardless for how perfectly the present situation fit into his thoughts, he was not satisfied.

Because it did not matter what he felt about the circumstance. She had made her choice, and he had allowed it. Now they had merely to follow their paths until they came to their conclusions.

----

Rin felt absolutely miserable.

Earlier, Kohaku had seemed to sense her mood and had tried to make her feel better. It had only made her feel worse.

Ever since she had agreed to marry him, she had felt herself becoming increasingly numb, except for a few occurrences that reminded her of the deeper pain. If it hadn't been enough that her dreams had shattered, Sesshoumaru had spoken to her on maybe two occasions since then. It was clear that she no longer held any importance to him from the way he spoke to her, the way he acted. She was on the level of everybody else now, unable to reach closer.

And on top of this, Kohaku had been so surpassingly kind to her that she thought what was left of her heart would crumble into dust. It was true that she loved him, but she did not think it was possible to turn it into the kind of love that would now be required of her. She had been so thankful for his embrace, for the comfort of his strength, but it only made her ache more when he left and she knew how different the natures of his gestures and her acceptance of them were.

Yes, he loved her and would care for her. Yes, he was dear to her in so many ways. Yes, she knew that she should have expected this, both the marriage and the one who had proposed it. She would be comfortable, and could be relatively happy, and live a life that, years ago, would have been nothing more than a fairytale. But it was not the fairytale that she had wanted.

Rin was sitting before the table, touching the dried petals in the dish. The memory of that night played in her head, repeated in a never-ending loop. Even after the time that had passed, the feel of Sesshoumaru's hand against her cheek was still vivid, perfectly clear. She sighed, trying to reel in the emotions to prevent them from going too far, before standing up.

She had not noticed the shadow that crossed the wall until she stood, and then she gasped.

"I'm sorry, it's only me, Rin," came Kohaku's calm, gentle voice.

Instantly, she relaxed. "I shouldn't overreact over everything I see," she replied, trying to bring up a smile that would not quite come.

"It is alright."

Rin moved to go outside, prepared to go on their evening walk. When she realized that Kohaku was not following her, she stopped, glancing back over her shoulder. He was standing before the table, looking at the items on its surface. For a moment, she thought of speaking, to break his concentration, but could not find her voice.

He considered the different items carefully before his attention lingered on the flower petals. "You love him, don't you?" he asked softly.

It was hard to explain what she felt, the emotions spreading fire and ice through her veins, but all painful, all torture. She had never confessed such a thing aloud. She had not allowed them to exist in speech, and somehow having to face the feelings in such a way made them more concrete, harder to bear. The tears pooled in her eyes and she could do nothing to hide them from him.

He looked at her, dark eyes both warm and understanding, and now the tears spilled, running silently down her cheeks. With a sad smile, he came to her side, raising his hands to wipe the tears from her face. "I have wanted to ask you that for a long time," he said, tipping her chin up so that she was forced to look at him. "I always thought you have, but I needed to know it from you."

"Why?" she managed to ask.

"I needed to understand why you have been so sad," he explained. "I wanted to be sure that it was nothing that I was missing, nothing in my power to fix." He considered her for a moment silently. "Because if there is anything I could do to help you, to make you happy, I would do it."

Fresh tears made their way to her eyes at this, and she almost gave a painful laugh. "You could stop being so kind," she said shakily. "Then I would not have to feel like such a wretch."

He remained serious. "Rin, I always guessed where your heart truly lay. I knew even when I asked you to marry me. I did not have much hope that you would accept me, but I did not think I could live with myself if I didn't try." Almost timidly, he ran his fingers through her bangs, brushing them to the side so that he could kiss her forehead. "You may not love me the way I love you, but you do love me, and it is enough. I will be content with that."

Rin pressed herself against his chest, sobbing into the fabric of his kimono. He merely wrapped his arms around her, holding her softly while she let the pain crash against her, wave after wave until it finally subsided, the ebbing of the tide. She felt exhausted, but almost like some of the ache had washed away; while it still felt like there was a hole in her heart, the edges no longer bled. She had not realized how deeply it hurt her to believe she was keeping her feelings secret from Kohaku.

"You are too perfect, Kohaku," she sighed. "I wish I could love you…"

She felt him smile slightly against her hair. "I wish so, too. Perhaps in time."

She merely nodded silently.

----

There were no flowers now, the forest settled into its summer foliage. It was peaceful, and Sesshoumaru was incredibly glad he had been able to get away from the palace for a few days. As trivial as the request for his presence had been, he had been eager to accept it.

Now the small task had been completed, and he was returning. He would have tried to drag out the time, make his opportunity to get away as long as possible, but he knew he could not. He had responsibilities that could not be ignored.

Two weeks. Two weeks and Rin would marry Kohaku. Almost all the details had been seen to, almost every item organized. By now, there was little more that needed to be done than the actual ceremony.

He still had not gone to see her alone, only staying in her company during the various gatherings when confrontation was inescapable. It felt strange – he both wished to speak with her and wanted to avoid it at all costs. It was like that past year, since her presentation, had not occurred. He almost wished it hadn't.

Sesshoumaru passed through the gates of the palace, intent on returning to his rooms and finding something, anything, to spend his energy on. There was sure to be some sort of invitation or challenge waiting for him; as soon as he made sure that everything was in order, he could leave again.

He had just come to the end of the hall, ready to turn left immediately and ascend the steps towards his rooms, when he abruptly stopped. In the waning sunlight, the white figure to the right stood out brilliantly, the light catching softly in the fabric and loose hair so that it all glowed.

She had seen him too; her scent changed suddenly. They considered each other across the distance until Rin slowly bowed, the movement stiff and measured. He felt himself notice little things about her – the way her hair fell across her shoulders, how long her lashes were against her cheeks, the curve of her human ears – and he felt the outcome of his internal struggle. He would speak with her.

"Good evening, my lord," Rin greeted once he had come closer, but the excitement he had once known was gone; her voice was mechanical.

"Rin, come back inside," someone called from her room. "You mustn't get the silk dirty before your wedding."

"Yes, of course," she said over her shoulder before turning back to him and bowing again.

It was clear that she meant to return to her rooms and remain; the bow was a goodbye. As she slowly turned, hand trailing along the wall to help her keep her balance, he spoke. "I will wait for you."

She paused, head turning fractionally but not enough to see him. "If you wish," she murmured before disappearing behind the screen.


	7. Completion

Well, here's the final chapter! I hope that it is a satisfactory end to the story -- I was personally happy with it, which is the most important, but I still would like everybody else to feel that it has been concluded nicely.

Thank you for everybody who took the time to review to the story. It's so nice to hear your encouragement and kind words. I'm sure this won't be my last S/R fic, so hopefully I'll hear from some of you again!

And, because of the timing, I think it's fair to say Happy Holidays!

* * *

The seamstresses conferred with each other about the small adjustments they would be making, their soft voices filling the next room. Rin leaned gingerly against the screen, adjusting the collar of her kimono thoughtfully. While she could have been faster, aware that Sesshoumaru was waiting, she knew she needed the time to prepare herself, to smooth her nerves.

Why had he come? She had noticed the change that he had finally _looked_ at her, not merely seen her. His eyes had been present, their intensity directed carefully upon her. It had not been like that for months.

As she tied her obi, she wondered if it had something to do with the fact that he had seen her in her wedding attire; she knew that seeing the beautiful uchikake had made everything much more definite for her.

Now dressed, she moved to open the screen and paused. Her emotions were fluttering, but she could not tell what she felt: anger, or bitterness, or joy. Did she really want to face him now, after she had found some mild hold on peace? Would this put her back to where she had been two months ago?

But he was waiting, and no matter what happened, he was still her lord. He had not commanded her, but his intent had been clear. Sighing, she opened the screen to the main room and hurried to the outer screen. If it had to be done, there was no reason to delay.

He was, as he had said, waiting for her. Before she had even stepped out he turned, looking up at her from where he stood in the garden in front of her rooms. It was then that she realized that she, too, had merely seen him since that dreadful afternoon; she had almost forgotten how beautiful he was.

She did nothing to hold back her sigh before descending the steps to where he stood. It was clear what would happen now, so no words were spoken as they began to walk along the familiar path.

Even though it was difficult, Rin managed to anchor her thoughts, to keep them from drifting too much to one subject or another. She was almost thankful that she was able to concentrate on this task; without it, she would be left to only notice how uncomfortable the silence between them was.

But this prevented her from being observant, and the next thing she knew, they were walking in the lane between the cherry trees. The flowers were now gone, but the memory was not; it was so clear that the present seemed to fade, more memory-like than her recollection.

Perhaps Sesshoumaru sensed something she had been unaware of revealing for he turned toward her, looking at her as though he almost expected her to say something, or thought she already had. She felt uncomfortable under the steady light of his eyes, and found herself speaking, something she had done on many other occasions when she felt trapped by his gaze. "Is something wrong, my lord?"

It was a minute before he spoke, almost long enough that she did not think he would respond. "That is hard to say," he replied, mellifluous voice soft. He now looked away, the spell almost broken but for the fact that he continued speaking. "Is something wrong, Rin?"

She ducked her head, avoiding the possibility that he might look at her again. She did not know what to say. What _could_ she say? Could she tell him that everything felt wrong, that it was like everything was being forced into places where they didn't belong? Could she tell him that she loved him, only him, and Kohaku knew this but was willing to sacrifice the potential for greater happiness for just a scrap of her heart? How could she possibly respond to what Sesshoumaru had said?

"Yes."

It said nothing, but it also said everything. She had known, back in her room, realized the danger of seeing him. And now she felt her predictions coming true as slowly the numbness she had carefully embraced released its hold, allowing her to once again feel completely.

They had stopped, and he had turned so that he was facing her. He would not speak, but she could read the question from his face. Somehow she found herself able to talk around the emotions trying to close her throat, although her voice was soft and airy, almost a whisper. "Is this the right decision?"

For the briefest moment, a line of sorrow seemed to pass across his face, so fleeting that it could have only been her hopes. "There does not seem to be any way it could be the wrong decision," he said, voice almost as quiet as hers had been. "As you said, the chances of a proposal from one here who truly cares for you are not great. Kohaku is of your people, but has earned my esteem from the services he has given. He holds honors within the court, and he will love you and be able to keep you safe."

"Yes, I suppose so," she sighed, her mind aware that he was right even though her heart fervently denied it.

Rin continued watching him, unable to look away now that she had turned to him. His head was down slightly, enough that his hair obscured his eyes, making it impossible to even guess at his emotions. She studied the planes of his face, committing them to memory in a way she never had before, as though they would suddenly be gone. She realized that, no matter how furious she had been at the way he had treated her, or how disconsolate his apparent lack of care had made her, she still loved him just as much as she had in those moments when she had hoped he might feel the same. Even after everything, she had still allowed one finger to be wrapped in her former imaginings, and she knew that now she would have to release it forever, utterly forsake such dreams.

"My lord," she started slowly, a vague idea on the edge of her thoughts finally taking shape as she tried to unwind the strings of her attachment from her heart. The moment it occurred to her, she wished it had not; as surprised as she was with herself, she knew she would do it if permitted.

For a moment, Sesshoumaru raised his head, the rich ocher of his eyes visible between his silvery white hair as the breeze tossed it. He did not speak, but his expression was an invitation to continue.

Rin bit the inside of her lip thoughtfully, before sighing. "I know I have no right to ask for anything, after all that you have given me over the years. But… may I please have one more thing from you?"

He nodded slightly. "Anything."

That made her heart pound, and she was sure he could hear; she saw one of his brows raise fractionally. It was very hard to focus on something like that, however, when she was trying to keep herself from completely unraveling.

Her steps were even, slow, as she approached him, coming closer than she had in years. He did not step back, or stop her, seeming to merely grow curious at her strange actions. She was near enough that she could feel the warmth of his body, near enough that…

She could reach out her hands and touch his face, fingertips dusting a line from his temples to his jaw before settling more firmly against his skin. Now he was motionless, and she knew that it could be from nothing more than surprise. But that would soon fade, and so while she could have been content for hours with nothing but that momentary touch, she had been allowed this parting gift from him and would grasp as much as she could.

So before he could adjust to the touch of her fingers, she tipped her head up and pressed her lips against his.

----

Sesshoumaru had not moved before, when she had stepped closer, but now he could not even if he wished. Yet all that kept him frozen to that spot was the feathery touch of Rin's kiss.

It was so light, timid, full of uncertainties, but also longing; he could read it in the draw of her brow, in the way her fingers lingered upon his face. There was so much betrayed in the moment, too many things that he was desperate to see, but he could not concentrate on them when he was lost in everything about her – her scent, her touch, her warmth.

And then she suddenly stepped away, head turning and hands slipping back to her sides. "Thank you," she said in a voice so quiet her words were almost lost even to him.

His thoughts felt sluggish, hard to speed up to the flow of time after having been so suddenly and completely stopped. Rin had already turned back to her rooms, figure dappled in the swaying shadows of the trees. For a moment he watched her, every step she took like another stone, another piece of the wall he felt dividing her future from his. It had grown in the months he had avoided her, and there was very little time left before it would be complete, before there was no chance of ever crossing the chasm between them. She may remain in the palace, and he may see her, but she would be gone.

_She is human_, his logic tried to remind him against the sudden desperation in his heart. _She is engaged_. _She is of common birth_. Yet she was Rin, and he suddenly realized how little he cared about how she could be classified. They were words, nothing more. Something that could hold no more weight than the air used to speak them.

_This is an impulse. It will pass_. But it was not an impulse; it was what he had wanted all along.

"Rin."

Sesshoumaru's voice carried across the distance and she stopped. For a long moment she did not move, but he did not speak further; this part was her decision.

And then she turned, face slowly lifting so that her eyes, shimmering with unshed tears, met his, and he could not be at her side fast enough.

----

It was like it all happened in one movement; suddenly he was next to her, and she was in his arms, and he was kissing her. His hands were splayed across her back, pulling her body flush against his, so that no space existed between them. It was nearly impossible to breathe, but if that was because of being pressed so close to him or because of the crush of his lips against hers, she could not tell.

Rin was still too surprised, too shocked, to truly respond; in some corner of her mind, she wondered if it would even make a difference. She could now feel the emotions Sesshoumaru would never have spoken or displayed: the torment, the jealousy, the sorrow. They were clear in the possessiveness of his embrace and the raw desperation of his lips.

It was almost punishing, but she accepted it willingly. The pain was cleansing, healing, like the resetting of broken bones or the stitching of a wound, like the first breath after death. She felt it purge her heart of its bitterness, replacing it with a weary peace.

It was nearly too much, too sudden a change to be pulled from the darkness to which she had surrendered into this light. All the same, she was somehow able to tip her head further towards his and slip one hand from where it was trapped against his chest to rest it against his cheek.

Suddenly the fury died, the extinguishing of flames under a soft rain. But the embers still smoldered, burning without the fire. His kiss continued, but became gentle, tender, and his embrace relaxed, as though suddenly remembering how fragile she was in the face of his strength.

The moment was nothing like the fanciful visions she had conjured at times over the years, nor was it close to any reality she might have considered. Yet this… was perfect. Or perhaps it was beyond perfect, because perfect could never exist; this was how it should be.

When he finally broke the kiss, he leaned down, tucking his face against the side of her throat. Rin could feel his ragged breathing upon her skin and she shivered, closing her eyes. Her hand, which had been against his cheek, now ran through his hair, indulging in the cool silken touch of the strands between her fingers. It was something she had never thought she would get the chance to enjoy.

Her fingers stilled instantly when Sesshoumaru's head turned, lips against the pulse at the base of her neck. For a moment they lingered there before he raised his head again, golden eyes level with hers. She had not realized that he had released her until his hands held her face, cool against her flushed skin.

"I am sorry that I have hurt you," he said softly.

"You should not apologize. I hurt you as well," she replied instantly, forgetting that for years Jaken had tried to teach her to ignore his injuries, just like Sesshoumaru ignored them himself.

"It was necessary for me to understand." His thumb lightly brushed across her cheek, a hesitant caress before he dipped his head, kissing her again. "I cannot let you go, Rin."

"I never wanted to leave," she whispered against his mouth.

"I know." Sesshoumaru paused, looking at her, his eyes suddenly warmer than any other time she could remember. "So don't."

She considered him, afraid to ask him to explain himself, worried that it might break the fragile hope of the moment.

When she did not reply, he dropped his hands slowly from her face, letting them trail along her sleeves until they found the hem and the tips of her fingers peaking from beneath the material. He pushed the sleeves up, allowing him to wrap his hands around hers. "Never leave. Stay with me for as long as your life allows. Share it with me."

This was too much, too much. The words closed about her, clear but irrational to what she thought she knew. "But… my lord… I'm just–" She struggled to speak, her thoughts too distracted by his proximity to piece together the things she needed to say. Finally, quietly, she managed to find her voice. "I'm… I'm nothing."

"No." His response was immediate, the usual hardness of his voice fully displayed in that one word. For a moment, she dared to look back up at him and was surprised that, regardless of his tone, his expression was still soft. "No… you are everything."

"Even though I'm human?" she asked almost voicelessly.

For a moment, his lips curled slightly in a wry smile. "That would have been an issue at one time. But I've come to realize that if I let you go now, I will spend the rest of my life regretting it." He paused for a moment, and she could sense the subtle change in his demeanor, the faint awkwardness as he leaned toward her. "I now understand that I love you."

It was too difficult to accept it all quickly, impossible to force it to sink into her mind in that moment. Rin nodded, stuck between shock and joy so that she barely managed to say "I will stay with you," before utterly losing her ability to speak when Sesshoumaru's smile turned sincere. It was the first time she could remember seeing him smile because he was happy.

Her heart felt so full that it was almost hard to recall the pain that had constricted it only minutes before. Suddenly all the shadows were gone, and it felt like some piece of her soul that had been missing was now in place. She leaned against him, tucking her head beneath his chin while still holding his hands.

For a moment she listened to the steady beating of his heart against her ear, thoughts leaping and jumping as she tried to consider everything at once, before they finally dropped back into reality.

Somehow, he noticed the change, becoming completely still. "What is it, Rin?"

"Kohaku," she whispered. "How will I tell him…"

Sesshoumaru did not reply immediately. Stepping back, he released her hands before touching her face. "I think he will understand."

She nodded. "But that only makes it worse," she sighed.

"Everything will be fine." He gave her a faint smile, comforting, and Rin could not help but feel some of the worry that had twisted through her mind unwind. "Go, he is waiting for you."

Turning, she took a few steps before pausing and looking back at him. Part of her was frightened that all of this had been no more than a dream, that if she left now she would return to find that none of it had happened.

"I will be here," he said, perhaps seeing the panic in her eyes.

She swallowed, nodding, and then hurried back to her rooms.

Kohaku was there, speaking politely to the women who were still fussing over her uchikake. He looked intensely relieved when she appeared, and she almost smiled at how quickly he disentangled himself from the conversation.

As he approached her, she saw the glint in his eyes, the awareness that something was coming; he had always been able to read her so easily.

"You seem… happy," he said slowly, as though testing the words.

Rin nodded. "I am."

Kohaku glanced over his shoulder, towards the women whose attention was now completely diverted from them. "Let us talk outside."

It was a good idea, and she followed him out onto the veranda, thanking him when he helped her sit on the edge like they had done on many other evenings. He was always so gentle and careful; she felt the touch of sadness at what she would have to do.

He was studying her, observing her expression carefully. She watched as the calm light in his eyes wavered, flickered for a moment, before once again becoming steady. "He spoke to you."

"Yes."

The ghost of a smile touched his lips. "And he loves you as well."

It was harder to reply to this; while Sesshoumaru had said that he loved her, it was still somewhat hard to believe, and agreeing with such a thing almost felt presumptuous. But Kohaku was the one person who needed to know, and she nodded.

Now he did not speak, silence drifting between them as she allowed him to come to terms with this. The more time passed, the more anxious Rin became; the last thing she had wanted to do was hurt him, and she was suddenly afraid of inspiring in him the grief that she had felt only minutes before.

"I am happy for you."

She glanced at him, but he was looking ahead, his expression thoughtful. She wished she could think of something to say, but no words seemed fitting. Then he stood, and she was afraid that that would be the end, that he would leave with nothing more.

But then he turned around and grinned, and it was real, like any of the others he had given her. "I truly am, Rin. I did not know if I could ever make you happy, if I could do more than make a life that would be comfortable for you. I would have been glad to marry you, but I will be content to be your friend if through that I can see you smile and laugh again."

Rin laughed now, choosing it over the tears that wished to spring to her eyes. "You are too kind to me, Kohaku. Much too kind."

"It is a fault I will accept."

Standing, she took his hand and squeezed it. "Thank you."

He nodded, expression still light, before gently pulling his hand away. "I do not want to be the reason Lord Sesshoumaru has to wait," he explained, grinning again before disappearing back into the palace.

Rin watched the spot where he had left for a moment before she could not stay still any longer. It was almost beyond her choice, the draw she felt, but she was willing to follow it. She just wished she could be allowed to wear the simple clothes of her youth; they had been much easier to hurry in. Still, it did not take long to return to where Sesshoumaru was, and seeing him standing there was like having everything solidify, making it real beyond a doubt.

And as she let him wrap her in his arms, she smiled, truly smiled, for the first time since that spring.


End file.
